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You’re at a business convention chatting with a colleague, when up walks a man, the head of some major department, a guy you know you’ve met before. “Hey there, Sam!” he says as he shakes your hand. Then he waits for you to introduce him to your colleague. The only problem? You cannot for the life of you remember his name. Awkwardness ensues. And a potential business deal evaporates.
The key to being a charismatic gentleman is making others feel important. And what better way to make someone feel important than by remembering their name? Remembering someone’s name tells them that they were special enough to have made a real impression on you. And everybody wants to feel special. Thus there are few better, and easier, ways to build rapport than to answer, “You probably don’t remember my name,” with, “Of course I do!”
And saying someone’s name is a powerful persuasion tool. It makes people feel at ease and comfortable. Legendary success writer and Mr. Charisma himself, Dale Carnegie, once said that “a person’s name is to him or her the sweetest and most important sound in any language.”
But if you’re like me, remembering names isn’t your strong suit. I can remember faces, but I can’t always put that face together with a name.
It’s a common problem. Research has consistently found that people are much better at recognizing faces than remembering names.
But fear not. With a little bit of savvy and know-how, you can overcome this shortcoming and become a master at remembering names. You can be the man who walks into a party and works the room like a pro.
Today we’ll discuss some of the most effective methods for remembering people’s names, as well as what to do when your best intentions fail and someone’s name slips your mind.
How to Remember a Person’s Name
Commit to listening and remembering. Most of us are lousy listeners. In social situations, we fall prey to conversational narcissism and are always waiting for a moment we can jump in and add our two cents. If you’re concentrating on what you’re about to say when someone introduces themselves, their name will go in one ear and out the other just like that. If you aren’t intently tuned in during that tiny window, the opportunity to learn their name passes in mere seconds and you’re sunk.
Before going into any social situation where you’ll be meeting new people, commit yourself to being as attentive as possible during introductions. There’s often a rush of nerves as you meet someone, and you have to intentionally tell yourself to calm down. Just having that extra mental focus can go a long way in helping you remember names.
Repeat early, repeat often. When you first meet someone, repeat their name as soon as you learn it. That will help sear the person’s name into your memory. Say something like, “Hi Jill, nice to meet you!” or “Pleasure to meet you, Jill.”
After that initial repeat, use the person’s name as much as you can throughout the conversation without coming off as a cheesy used car salesman. “Where are you from, Jill?” “How’s the weather in Toledo this time of year, Jill?” “How do you know the bride and groom, Jill?” You get the idea. Again, be natural and don’t overdo it.
To really burn the name into that noggin of yours, make sure to end your conversation by repeating the person’s name one final time. “Great meeting you, Jill. I hope we can stay in touch.”
Not only does this technique help you remember someone’s name, it also makes you seem charming. As we mentioned, people love the sound of their own name.
Have them spell it out. Hearing a person spell their name can help you remember it, especially if it’s an unusual name. If it’s a common name, but has different spelling variations, ask the person which variation he or she uses. For example, if a person’s name is Bryan, you can ask, “So is that Bryan with a y or Brian with an i?” He answers, “It’s Bryan with a y.” Now whenever you see that person, you can think, “That’s Bryan with a y.”
Visualize the person’s name on their forehead. As soon as you hear the person’s name, visualize their name stamped in big block letters across their forehead. Keep that mental picture on their forehead the entire time that person is in your presence.
Associate the person’s name with an easy-to-remember picture. After hearing a person’s name, make it as tangible as possible to you by associating their name with a picture. Be as creative as you want with this. There’s no right or wrong way to do it. The association just needs to be meaningful to you. For example, if a person’s name is Teddy Thompson, you might imagine a teddy bear holding a Thompson machine gun.
Associate the image that represents the person’s name with an outstanding facial feature on the person. To especially seal a name memory, take that visual representation you made of the person’s name and associate it with an outstanding physical feature the person has.
Let’s use our example of Teddy Thompson. Our picture for his name was a gun-wielding teddy bear. Now we need to associate that image with a feature of Mr. Thompson. Let’s say Teddy has big ears. You can imagine a teddy bear with huge ears holding a machine gun. Your association can be different — just use whatever works for you.
Take notes. If you’re a salesman or in another profession that involves the frequent and vital making of new contacts, be sure to carry a pocket notebook with you. After meeting someone new, write down his or her name in your notebook (or the notes app on your phone), along with some notes about who they are and what they do. Before a meeting where you may see them again, take a moment to review your notes.
Practice, practice, practice. Remembering names is a skill that takes practice to develop, so put yourself in situations where you’ll have to learn new names. Use these techniques as much as you can.
What to Do When You Forget a Name
No matter how hard you try, you’re bound to forget a person’s name every now and then. If you do, just politely and apologetically say, “I’m terribly sorry, but I’ve forgotten your name. What is it again?” Simple. Ask them as soon as you realize you’ve forgotten their name. The more time you spend together, the more offended they’ll be when they realize you don’t know their name.
But having to ask for someone’s name again can make you look bad. I mean, you’re basically telling the person, “You weren’t important enough for me to remember you.” If your memory fails you, and you don’t want to ask for someone’s name again outright, here’s how to recover it as smoothly as possible in several different situations.
When you part ways. If you realize as you part ways with someone that you can’t remember their name, ask if they have a business card you can take home with you. This is great, because not only do you now know their name without having to ask again, you’ll always have something you can take out and review at home.
When you see someone you’ve met before. If you encounter somebody you know you’ve met before, but you can’t put a name with their face, don’t guess their name if you’re not sure. For some reason, having someone say your name wrong always feels more offensive and noticeable than simply being asked for your name again.
So if you can’t remember someone’s name, you have a couple of options. The first is a little trick I’ve used several times with success.
You ask the person, “Excuse me, what was your name again?”
The person will likely respond with their first name.
You then respond with a charming laugh and a smile, and say, “Oh no, I meant your last name.”
People seem to be more forgiving of someone forgetting their last name — less so their first. With this technique, you’ll get the person’s first name without them knowing you had forgotten it. And if you forgot their last name, now you have that, too.
Of course this little trick can backfire if they respond by asking, “My first or last name?”
If you’re not a gambling man, you can simply walk up, stick out your hand, and say your name. “Brett. We met at the Christmas party last year.” They’ll likely respond in kind by saying their name. Chances are, he or she had forgotten your name too! By taking the initiative, you remove their burden of anxiety as well.
When you’re making introductions. What if you’re standing with a friend, and someone walks up and waits for you to introduce them, but you can’t remember their name? Say to the person, “Have you met my friend, Mike?” The person will then hopefully say to Mike, “No, I haven’t. Nice to meet you. I’m Luke.”
With our archives now 4,000+ articles deep, we’ve decided to republish a classic piece each Sunday to help our newer readers discover some of the best, evergreen gems from the past. This article was originally published in June 2011.
This article was originally published on The Art of Manliness.